LxLight: Last Regrets
by PerpetualOblivion
Summary: L is finally gone. At first, Light thinks that victory is his, but he remembers all of the times he had spent with L, all the words that had been said, and is thrown into despair and a deadly realization; Kira has won, but Light Yagami has lost.


_Death Note-LxLight- Last Regrets_

I stared a false wide-eyed expression plastered on my face as the great detective fell from his rotating chair. I quickly, nimbly leaned down and caught him with my strong arms, although he didn't seem to weigh very much more than a feather. Our eyes then met in an unbreakable lock as he approached his death. I now had that hellish Kira-smile worn on my face, reserved just for him as the only one who could see it. It was one of the few genuine expressions I wore nowadays, if I wore any expression at all. He quietly died away in my arms, his breathing seizing to exist as each individual second passed. Slowly, as if time itself had nearly stopped, the lids of his darkened eyes descended, never again to flutter open._"Yes...victory at last, Ryuuzaki... L... Kira prevails!"_ I thought, a twisted triumph spreading through my body. I would truly be the god of the new world; no one left could even come close to stopping me!

That horrendous joy was pathetically short-lived. I felt a sudden sharp, piercing pain in my chest, as if I were being stabbed, not just once, but perpetually, never-ending. My eyes widened, but this time, it was unintentional. What was this feeling? The god of a new world should feel no pain- I was almighty, wasn't I? But as my gaze crept down yet again to stare down at L, his disheveled hair shadowing his frozen pale face, like an exhibit in a wax museum, his onyx, ominous orbs that had been his eyes now permanently kept closed; that unnatural pain was shoving its way, like an awoken monster, out of the depths of my heart. I realized in another jolt of unbelievable pain that I would never see the tempting, enchanting gaze of those eyes again, the gaze that had kept me from my work just to gaze right back. He was _dead_, and that couldn't be changed. But even worse, I had killed him, when he had done nothing but the right thing.

A terrified howl, a sound from a nightmare, unleashed the upset emotions breaking through the walls of my mind as it ravaged through my lips. I reared back like a frightened animal. This was no longer an act. I felt my body losing control and throwing itself into a dark wave of despair, as revelation after revelation of just what I had ruined sped across my mind like flashes of lightning. Words began to spill from my mouth before I could even process them. I shot out of the room like a bullet to run, to escape, as if I could just close my eyes and this would just be a vivid nightmare. I didn't know where to go though; this building was huge. I noticed a dark, brooding hallway that looked rarely traveled and I turned around the corner to run through it, past offices, past locked black doors, until I reached a dead end.

I slumped against the wall in defeat, my hands trembling as they clutched blindly at the carpet, unconsciously pulling up fuzzy tufts of the substance. A cold draft passed my cheek and then I finally noticed that I felt a cold, wet sensation there. I ran a finger across my face and felt it not only there, but on the other side of my face as well. What was this? Even before I found that deadly notebook, I _never_ shed tears. As the son of an officer, I was raised that way. They experienced sad situations every day, when they saw someone helplessly killed right in front of their eyes, or when they had to shoot another human being. That was just how things worked in their world. But I was no officer. Either way, this was very different. I could never wash L's blood from my hands like I believed I could with the other humans I killed. I had bonded with L, as my only true friend of course, but... possibly something even more than that.

_"Light-kun?" The dark- haired detective asked innocently, his eyes either still glued to the collection of screens overhead, or more likely, the slice of strawberry cake he held. "Hm?" I grunted, signaling that I was indeed listening, but halfheartedly. "It's probably just another interrogation about __the Kira case." I thought bitterly. I wasn't Kira, and I couldn't be; how could I have no memory of such a thing?_

_Suddenly his gaze flicked from his cake, which seemed like a stunning achievement over the past few days, and he stared at me through those dark, alluring orbs of obsidian. I have to admit, that gaze is captivating, to say the least. The intensity behind that stare was directing icy shivers down my spine. I was wondering desperately what was so important for a look like that. Does he even possibly know how seductive that is? "Do you want some of this cake?" he asked cheerily, finally breaking the silence that had settled over the room. For some reason, that didn't sound like what he was actually going to say. I huffed. Leave it to L to put all of that seduction to waste. "I-I'm good." I stammered, not finding my voice as easily as usual. It was a difficult idea to grasp but... was I falling for the raven-haired detective? _

_ I bit into the edge of the red, fleshy strawberry, the precious juice bursting from it like it was a popped balloon and trailing down from the corner of my mouth. I honestly wasn't paying attention to the fruit right now, nor did I care. The only thing registering in my mind was the fact that my gaze was constantly, unconsciously dragging to L like a magnet. I bit my lower lip in frustration, mixing a drop of blood with the strawberry juice still lingering on my mouth. "Relax Light. You're a straight guy, he is, no, at least I think he is, a straight guy. Two nice straight guys, alone in a normal room together, eating completely normal food, absolutely none of that is strange." I thought sullenly, biting deeper into the strawberry, causing more juice to trail down my lips. He had invited me here in the first place. _

_"I figured Kira would at least know how to eat a strawberry." I flinched of out my daze at the sound of his voice. "I do know how, and I'm not Kira!" I exclaimed hastily, glaring at him meaningfully. "Your reaction just heightened the percentage to 7.32%." he said nonchalantly, rolling his eyes. "Here, I'll show you how, Light-kun." He said. His face drastically neared mine and I stifled a gasp, my eyes going wide and heat rushing to my face dramatically; it felt hotter than an oven . He bit off half of the strawberry seductively, beautifully, his movements practically bleeding elegance, and chewed slowly, as if instructing a preschooler. He gradually swallowed and then turned back around to his cake, prodding it with a fork, as if nothing happened, leaving a very stunned Light staring at his back, the defined shoulder blades that were clearly visible through his pale white shirt, and shamefully imagining every tiny detail of his body underneath that concealing cloth._

_I stared intently at the lengthy chain connecting the two of us. I should have hated it, I know I should have, but if I was connected to anyone, I would've picked L of all people. At least, I wasn't connected to Misa Amane. That would've been my own personal hell. I didn't even like the girl too much, and she was constantly throwing around the word love uselessly, even though she barely knew me, unlike myself. If I could throw it around that easily, I would've told L the same thing by now. But I was afraid of his rejection, afraid that he'd hate me, that he'd be disgusted of me and want my presence to disappear. _

_I stood by idly, fiddling with the hem of my plain shirt, as L busily studied a fresh list of suspects, but he shook his head slightly in disagreement and closed it off, obviously deciding that none of those people could possibly be Kira. He still clung to the idea that I was Kira; there was obviously no changing his mind. He sighed darkly and stood in that unique, yet attractive way of his and walked off, inevitably dragging me along with him. "Ryuuzaki , We're attached!" I growled as he jerked me along toward his bedroom. He didn't forget already, did he? _

_He rarely slept there, in his bedroom; if he even slept at all it was usually in his chair, so the bed was a plain white color and rather clean, as if it came right out of the store yesterday. "Ryuu-"I began breathlessly but was cut off rapidly. L had suddenly pinned me to the wall with a grip of steel and was staring at me intensely, otherwise his expression unreadable. He actually looked tired for once, so tired it was unexplainable, and worry stirred in my heart. For one brief moment I thought I saw a flicker of burning lust in them, but surely I was just imagining things to my favor. However to be surprise, he lunged forward and smashed his lips against mine with an immense force and fervor I had never seen in him before._

_L's tongue slipped into my mouth hungrily and I obliged, how could I deny something that only happened in steamy dreams? I was now commanded by my desires, mirroring his actions as our tongues danced together madly, so cold but so very warm. But he abruptly pulled away as if stricken, my body screaming in protest, my face burning like the hottest fire, painful guilt shining as brightly as a beacon in L's movements. "Sorry Light-kun. I didn't mean for that to happen." He murmured shamefully, his tone making him all the more adorable. I smiled. It was now or never. "I love you, L." I said in hazy whisper, purposely not calling him by his alias. After that kiss, that passion, what was the worst outcome? To my dismay, he blinked incoherently. "Excuse me?" he asked, onyx eyes wide. I felt a stab in my chest. "You heard me." I said, a sour tang of disappointment involuntarily creeping into my voice. "What have I done?" I thought, crestfallen. Perhaps my love for him was truly unrequited. But he smiled warmly. A rare, and attractive, sight, his smile was. "I love you too, Light-kun."_

I was sobbing violently now, controlling it now a long gone possibility. The task force was bound to find me soon, but I didn't care. All I cared about was L. His voice, his eyes, his hair; they were all just memories now._"Memories...memories of L..."_ I thought, my heart crushing, shattering like feeble glass. He was the only one person, I realized, and I was starting to doubt my own ways. I truly was a mass-murderer, a cold-blooded killer, all those terrible things Kira had been called before. I didn't deserve to hear those words come from his soft lips! It was too late anyway. He was gone, and I'd never get to see him again, since he clearly deserved heaven. If there was one, he would be there. I wouldn't be. I didn't deserve to live even now. I huddled against the window and looked out over the shimmering night skyline, yellow city lights glowing like miniature stars, dark cars roaming across the lit roads, people that looked smaller than ants moving from store to store, laughing, smiling, hugging...kissing. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. There was something I could do for him.

"Its over, Ryuk." I commanded, firmly decided. "Are you sure?" he asked in surprise, his wild eyes wide. "L's gone now, you're at the top of your game." I smiled wistfully at the sound of his name. "I told you, its game over, didn't I? We've killed enough boredom. I can't do it anymore." I said, a little quieter this time. "Humans truly are weak. You know what has to happen now, it's part of the deal." he responded, almost sounding amused. I nodded. "I know exactly whats going to happen." I whispered slowly. "I accept it with open arms."

I held the Death Note in my hands, then set in on the tiled floor of the office room. "Those last shards of humanity in me; they were for you, L. They only existed because of your own existence. Kira may have won... but Light has lost." I spoke to myself, almost ceremonial. I had to, and I now wanted to, give up all of Kira's ideals, for him. It wasn't a hard decision, actually. I owed him that much. My eyes beginning to fill again, I slowly lit a match and drew it to the killing device, watching it catch rather quickly. All the emotions were surfacing again, I wanted to scream and cry, to throw a tantrum. But I couldn't do that, I had to be strong up until the end. But then again, without this I never would've never even met L.

I watched the hungry tongues of flame consume the notebook, feeding on it mercilessly. Their eerie light was reflecting off the stilled teardrops, imbued with despair, resting on my cheeks. Eventually, the notebook was reduced to useless, harmless ashes and I fell to my knees, my body shuddering and heaving again. But still, I then stood, recollecting myself and scooping up a handful of the gray ashes. Ryuk appeared before my pitiful form, cackling slightly. He pulled out his own Death Note. "The deal will be done." he said and I smiled slightly. "Yes." I said wistfully, turning my back to Ryuk as he scribbled my name down, toward the pile of ashes again.

"Please forgive me L." I begged out loud to the ashes in a hushed whisper, not expecting any response. There was no one there to respond, anyway, except maybe Ryuk. I wasn't even sure if he was still here any more. But then I heard another cackle from behind and I turned just in time to see him disappear. "Its all finished." I said, smiling yet again as I spoke out loud. "Finally."

The first thing I felt was the tight clench in my chest and I gasped in agony, sinking to my knees and releasing the ashes in my palm. The ashes encircled me before joining the rest of them in a heap. My breathing grew faster and violent, struggling against the inevitable. So this was what death was like.

To my surprise, I felt a gentle, slender hand on my shoulder and something passed over my spotting vision. A soft, yet alluring familiar gaze._"I do forgive you Light-kun." _He said softly, his voice making me fall in love with him all over again. Hazy white feathered wings that looked softer than cotton candy were silhouetted behind him. That was all I needed; for him to forgive me, to see him one last time. For him to be the last thing I ever saw.

My vision cleared a little, but my slow and painful death dragged along its course. I saw him staring at me with a saddening worry and I frowned a little, tears dripping from my eyes. "Its okay." I reassured weakly and I threw my arms around L, but I still wanted it more than anything as I delved in his warmth that was as sweet as his diet.

_"I'll see you when you reach the other side."_ He whispered in my ear with a calming serenity still riddled with concern. "As if I deserve to be there. You won't see me, because I don't belong there." I said sadly as my vision grew spotty again and I lurched against him, drawing in his scent greedily as my breathing grew more ragged. He smiled in amusement._"You've realized the error in your ways. You never do know."_ He murmured optimistically. My eyes widened in surprise and another jolt of agony. I actually had a chance of seeing him again? "Join me, Light-kun. I'm waiting." he said, drawing his face closer to mine and running his hands along my struggling sides. I let go and began to fall into the waves of blackness that had threatened to devour me. I felt soft, sweet lips that tasted like nectar pressing against my cold dying own, a gentle tongue flicking across them teasingly._ "I love you. I always knew you were Kira, but you are my Kira. Mine and mine alone."_ were the words that continued to ring like church bells in my ears as the end fell upon me.


End file.
